My recent post, Willingness… To Do What?, was about how I am choosing to be “willing” this year. Willing to do what? Well, many things actually. My list of big things I am “willing” to do include to practice more patience, be more focused and a super biggy – finish my book. Heck I’m even willing to cuss less when playing Spades on my IPad (my imaginary partner, Megan really makes D.U.M.B. moves over and over!) Most importantly, I am willing to be me in all the areas of my life, no longer afraid to completely expose myself.
As a young girl I “felt” there was something I was supposed to do. Perhaps many of you knew as kids or teenagers what your vocation in life would be. I had no clue, only that there was something. At the same time while growing up, I was a good Catholic. I used my Rosary, went to Confession and Communion regularly and devoutly prayed daily. It must have been weird because I’ll never forget one time I overheard my mother telling my grandmother (my dear Nana) that she was afraid I might become a Nun. In my child’s mind I deduced that I was too religious. Well, I’m here to tell you my mother worried for naught – I love physical intimacy way too much to be celibate (sorry kids but it’s the truth)! Through the years I did stay for want of a better word “religious”. In college I joined Campus Crusade. As a married adult I was always active in church. But for all the years and the various stages of my life my faith participation was in mainstream ways that kept me “safe”. Even my “then” husband kept me in check. To this day I can still remember him parking at church with our three kids in the back seat each Sunday. More often than not after turning off the car engine he would turn and look at me. He would then gently pat my leg and say, “ Now baby, you know you learn a lot more when you listen so please don’t speak up in Sunday school.” Not speaking up kept me safe from potential criticism (at home and everywhere else) so I would stifle myself, certain that he was lovingly telling me I was too opinionated, particularly when it came to my faith. Call it poor self-esteem if you want but I somehow saw my devoutness as a negative and wished I could be looser and more fun. (Silly me!)
Understand that I’m not looking for sympathy here. I don’t for a second blame either one of them for making me feel like whom I really was needed some toning down. I’m the one who chose to take their words and let them affect me in a negative way to the point that I kept my deeply spiritual nature at bay.
Beginning at the age of 40 serious trauma-drama began to creep into my life over and over again. Each new challenge strengthened my faith only I still kept my spirituality somewhat to myself. So, I guess I had to get a huge roadside flare to get my attention. That flare came on December 6, 2006 in the form of a woman from my past suddenly there to expose stuff. To this day I am grateful for her and the far-reaching tentacles of consequences her talk with me created. Many things in my life changed at that point and I truly, truly began to open up and express my spiritual side. I started a Blog. However, even with my Blog I was gingerly showing my true self trying to be ever so subtle with expressing my views.
All that changed when I received the email from Lori. Lori’s word for me, “WILLINGNESS” reinforced the voice I had been hearing in my head for several months telling me to put myself out there once and for all. I call it coming out of the closet because to me, I am choosing to tell the truth about myself much like others do when they have something important to say about themselves that they are afraid to share but can’t hold in any longer. So here’s what I’m willing to say…
I am a deeply spiritual human being. I believe that my body is a vessel for my Soul. I believe that this vessel should be as free of negative things like anger, hostility, jealousy and fear as possible to honor my Soul. I believe that my Soul is more important than my Ego. I passionately believe in God, the Universe and yes, even Angels. I believe in goodness and want to be an active participant in spreading it. Though I view myself as a simple Soul, I am an “Old Soul” with a deep understanding of things. I believe that I have a purpose in life that is meant to be for the greater good of mankind. I believe that I am a healer and have the gift of healing with my words. I also believe I have the ability to heal through creating beauty spatially and when I work in people’s homes as a Decorator I feel the energy and know where it needs to be balanced. I have no desire to attach myself to any specific denomination or creed, as I believe my purpose is to include rather than exclude. While I will not hold tight to religious rules and regulations, I spend much of my time in prayer and would put on my Bucket List a chance to go on a pilgrimage journey. (By the way I have no real clue what I mean by that – just that my heart and Soul yearn for it.) I believe that our world is a changing and people like me want to show a better way through love and care. I believe that Peace is attainable. I believe that Love is attainable. I believe that Harmony is attainable. It is all a matter of choice. Most of all my spirituality is part of every moment of every day and at the end of each day my hope is that it has shown in all my actions and yes, reactions to my life’s journey that day – including what I write on my Blog.
I read something the other day that really spoke to me. “Many of us are struggling to stay true to what we know is the right way for us to be.” That’s how I was for over 56 years. I struggled with who I am because I thought I was weird. No longer. The rest of the time I have here on this earth I’ll be truly alive in my Home, my vessel for my Soul. I’m finally free to be me. Oh and after all these years I’ve figured out what I’m supposed to do as my vocation in life – encourage and promote Peace, Love and Harmony.
To being alive…